Transcendent Experiences
Accepting Christ into my Heart
I have always had the traits of an obsessive / compulsive personality. And during the months of October and November 1974 (after first attending Calvary Chapel with Carolyn in September) I dove headlong into my search for meaning in the universe. Monday nights were Campus Crusade for Christ meetings at Ed's house, the adult sponsor of the group. Saturdays were the concerts at Calvary, and often I would attend Sunday services and/or the Wednesday night midweek study.
Like I said, if I'm going to do it, I really do it.
By early December '74 things were coming to a head, so to speak. Carolyn & Ed knew about my attention, attendance, and endless questions. But still I had not "found it", that is ask Christ to become my Lord & Savior. And they were beginning to none-too-subtlety let me know that I needed to make a decision here.
But I was blocked by the very same (#1 and only) issue that Carolyn & I had discussed at the burger joint. I was OK with the idea of Jesus, that He "died for my sins" (though my concept of this was quite limited), the notion of life after death (that one had never been an issue for me, for reasons which I will discuss later), and all of it. I was even fairly convinced (the uninitiated being so open, vulnerable and gullible) that they had the entire end of the world thing right. My problem was I had no direct, immediate, personal involvement or experience with anything they discussed. Thoughts, ideas and beliefs. None of them objectionable to me, but, at least for me, there needed to be more. I needed contact.
This is a central point, one upon which many wars (open and covert) have been fought. For many, myself among them, personal experience of the Divine is essential, everything else being steps toward and preparation for real Communion. For others it is a deceptive trap. You see, many feel that faith is the one and only vehicle by which we can access God. Relying on personal experience is dangerous, they say, because we are so easily tricked by our senses and thoughts. And, yes, I would certainly learn in the coming year and a half how true that is.
Nevertheless, the Bible is full of language about us Knowing God. Yes, it starts with hearing...then believing...then faith (belief turns into faith when we apply our lives to our beliefs)...and ultimately knowledge...and Love. I understand that now on many levels. In December '74, a full 3 months into my Christian exploration, I only knew that if I dedicated my life to this Jesus thing, then I would really do it (did I mention I'm an obsessive / compulsive?) with total dedication. And I simply could not make that type of commitment without some kind of first-hand, direct confirmation.
So, after the Campus Crusade meeting on Monday, December 9, 1974, I did something that I had never done in my entire life (as far as I can recall). I knelt by the side of my bed and prayed. Sincerely, deeply, honestly, pouring my soul out from the depths of my being.
"Dear God. Well, I don't even know if you are real. But if you can hear me, then you know I have been hearing a lot of things about you and Jesus. And if you can hear me then you also know that I am really lonely. So, if you will see fit to give me a girlfriend by Christmas, then I will believe you are real, and give my life to you. Amen."
The next morning I had completely and utterly forgotten the previous evening's prayer. I went to school, and went into one of the lunch rooms, and there was this girl just sitting there. I was a junior, she was a freshman. Her name was Cindy. And she looked at me. And talked to me. And sat next to me. And I was so awkward & shy I could hardly talk, but she basically did all the talking. She wound up asking me if I would like to take her to the opening of the school play the upcoming Thursday night. I said sure.
Thursday night I picked her up. She slid all the way across the front seat (yes, there was a time when the front seat was just one seat that went all the way across the front, for both the driver and passenger to share) and cuddled-up right next to me.
I was in shock. I put my arm around her, drove to the play, made chit-chat...all the usual gawky teenager type stuff. And after the play she wanted to kiss me. Rather a lot, actually, and that was the first time I ever kissed a member of the contradictory gender, other than Mom & Grandma.
Eventually I dropped her off at her house (quite reluctantly) and as I drove home...<BANG!!> Just like a flare gun going off in my head it hit me!
"Wait a minute! Just wait one minute here!!! Monday I prayed for a sign, and here she is. A sign, very loud and clear, beyond my hopes and expectations (if you know what I mean.) Oh....My....GOD!!!!"
So, that night, Thursday December 12, 1974, I knelt again by my bed and prayed.
"Thank you, God. I prayed for a sign and you gave it to me. Thank you for Cindy. Thank you for loving me. Please come into my life and forgive me for my sins. In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen."
And that's how I came to Christ.
And it happened...just...like...that.
Friday night (Dec 13 for those of you keeping track at home) Cindy & I went out again.
Monday, at school, she didn't want to talk to me. Something about something I had said Friday had upset her, she thought I was mean, and just didn't want to talk to me any more.
As I traveled home from school that day I was furious.
"Just what the hell is this deal? 2 stupid little dates and she's gone? What kind of a God is that?!?"
And for the first time in my life I heard The Voice of God. It was not an external, audible voice; it was inside my own head. But I did not "make" the thoughts, and the voice was different. We all talk to ourselves inside our own head all the time, and it is our own voice we hear, and I am telling you this voice was different. (Again, like I said in the introduction, this guy hears voices, sees signs & wonders, and you ain't heard nothing yet, so he either really does commune with the Divine or needs serious medical treatment.) And what The Voice of God said was,
"You prayed to Me for a sign. Were you looking for that sign as evidence I exist, or were you just using Me to get a girlfriend?"
Well, it was all pretty clear. As super-natural as the entire experience had seemed to me (one minute she's there, out of the clear blue sky, and practically the next she's gone), there was nevertheless a certain logic to it. It "fit", if you will. I had tested God, He was now testing me. There was a harmony, balance, and perfection here that left me nearly breathless. As I've thought back over the years the closest thing I can relate it to is the movie The Wizard of Oz, when it suddenly switches from black & white to color. That's what I felt like.
 | God was real, |
| and starting in September began working through people to reach me. |
| I could talk to Him, |
| He most definitely heard, |
| and would even talk back when I really needed it. |
| I wanted, even needed a direct contact with this thing / guy called God that I had been hearing about, and that need had been met. |
| But God would not be "had", and was certainly not going to be my cosmic servant. The encounter would ultimately happen on His terms, with His guidance. |
So go ahead, say I made the whole thing up. Call me delusional and psychotic. Dismiss it all as silly coincidence that I sadly ascribed illusionary meaning to. At this point I really don't care. Over the years I've received so many "you've changed my life" emails and so many "you are a sick loser" emails that I'm a bit numb to the whole "audience reaction" thing, for which I am very grateful. All I can do is relate to you the world as I understand it, and my experiences as I perceived them.
I had talked to God, and He had talked back.
"You are right, God. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I did mean what I said, and I do want to give my life to you."
I would never, could never, be the same.
